Expecting

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I wasn’t sure when I was going to start writing about this, but I suppose that now’s as good of time as any to begin. We’re pregnant! In about 6 months Brian and I will welcome our first child into this world. Heaven help us.

Throughout these past few months, I have to wonder if God even recognized me. I have driven myself to panic on more than one occasion and, suffice to say, have almost been preparing my heart for the worst in relation to this pregnancy. Not allowing God His place in my heart, I have felt no comfort or peace about this pregnancy the entire time.

Every possible thing that I could have worried about, I did. And, now that I know everything is ok, I can’t help but feel what was at the root of all this anxiety: An unconcealed mistrust.

It just goes to show the full span of God’s patience to give us this miracle in the face of my behavior towards Him. The past three months have gone as such:

Month 1-

Me: Terrified to the point of shame that I would not be able to conceive a child.

Result: We conceived in a matter of weeks.

God: Here aren’t you satisfied?

Month 2-

Me: Obsessed with the idea that I would lose this pregnancy.

Result: 7 Week ultrasound with a healthy baby and strong heartbeat.

God: Here aren’t you satisfied?

Month 3-

Me: Convinced that our baby’s heart had stopped and I had miscarried.

Result: An 11 week listen to the baby’s heartbeat holding extremely strong at 160 BPM.

God: Here aren’t you satisfied?

In the last twelve weeks, God has done nothing but prove His faithfulness to me time and time again. And still, the fearful voices in my head were all that I would listen to. When I heard our baby’s heartbeat, it was almost as if God was shouting in my ears to trust Him. Crying out that I should be joyful in this and let Him fight for me.

Of all the sounds in the room that day, the loudest one was from someone 2 inches long.